The Holidays are upon me

Don't know why, but I'm having a really hard time this holiday season. Got the blues beyond all reasoning, and can't figure out why. All I want to do is stay home and knit. Got too many things going on in my head; need to make like the little teapot and pour some of them out...

some thoughts on anger management

My son and I sometimes commute home together on the Staten Island Ferry. On Monday evening, somehow the subject of my breakup with his father came up, and we started talking about his feelings at the time. Mostly he was relieved when we broke the news to him that we were separating. In fact, he said his mental reaction was something in the nature of "WOOOHOOO!!" -- which I could see written all over his face. I could also see that he felt guilty feeling so happy about it. That was my silver lining on that very unpleasant day...
Anyway, talking about it brought up all sorts of heat that I didn't realize was still buried inside me, which bothered me a little. Just when you think you've moved on, out pops a renewed sense of outrage at all the betrayals, lies... not going there again.
So, later that evening, Bobby and I went to karate together for maybe the 3rd time since we joined a few weeks ago. Ya know, it's really true - physical outlets really work! I kicked the absolute crap out of that cheating lying bastard! I envisioned his face on the kick pad and POW! Damn that felt good!

Just thinking out loud...

There are days when truly, all I want is to stay home and knit. Then I remember that old saying, "Be careful what you wish for." Today, however, is one of those days. I'm one of those people who needs to be alone every now and again - really alone. No phones, no email, no neighbors, no friends, no family. I consider it to be a re-charging of my mental battery. I've been like this since I was very young - probably because my parents worked in our family-owned business and when not in school I was left at home to care for myself. In those days (the early 60's) parents worried less about pedophiles roaming neighborhoods and internet chat rooms. There was no internet, no cable tv, no satellite radio; newspapers didn't sensationalize every little misstep by philandering politicians, tv news broadcasts never made any overt reference to sexual misconduct, and forget nudity on tv -- while I prefer the frank truth, I sometimes miss the innocence.

When I started college in 1971, one of my very first classes was a literature class focusing on good versus evil. One of the required textbooks was called "Tales of Innocence and of Experience." The title itself poses an implicit question: are innocence and experience mutually exclusive? are they opposites? Can you have experience and yet still have innocence?

Back to wishing I were home, just me and the dog. I've got too much going on, it seems, and I need to step back. My life is so cluttered, I just want some time to empty my brain a bit and clean up/purge/organize. And yet, with that thought, I think about how much I have -- and how little so many others have. I saw a tv report yesterday on the 2nd anniversary of Katrina's destruction. So many people in New Orleans and small towns in Mississippi have nothing still, after two years! No homes, no possessions other than the barest necessities. So I become ashamed of my embarrassment of riches. How lucky I am.

And now it is time to get back to work. Thank you, Lord, for all you've enabled me to achieve.

still learning

Blogs are hard!

Life Has Begun

My son started his first "real" job on Monday, July 30. He's working for an ad-marketing company called Mongoose Atlantic; it's exactly what he wanted, exactly what he seems good at, and it's scaring the snot out of him. Finally, he's a grown up. Once he gets a few successes under his belt he'll be fine, but he has so much to learn and he's afraid he won't get it all. He's always had a fear of change: every first day of school brought another cycle of fear, misbehaviour, general brattiness... and here we are again, another age, another venue, same reaction.

so I finally did it

Been wanting to set up a blog of my own for a while, but never knew how.... still don't, to be perfectly honest. But my intention is to share stories, adventures, whatever. I love to make things - I get the itch to create and must have yarn nearby at all times. The thing is, I'm not that good at it... can't work without a pattern, and I've been at this for over 40 years. I guess that kind of sums me up: I can't work without a pattern.