Life goes on, but not for some

Have you ever wondered why some people just can't let go? I'm referring to letting go of past relationships, people, things; in other words, moving on with life. I have a few theories, but some recent events caused me to start thinking again about why it is so important for some people to live in the past, and in fact to try to rewrite history to suit their neuroses.



One theory: Validation. Let's say a person is miserable in his current circumstances. Let's say the only thing that brings him pleasure is to try to denigrate and tear down other people, possibly because it makes him feel bigger than he is. It gives him a smug sense of superiority. He colors his surroundings with ugliness so that he appears pure and just.

Another theory: Envy. This person can't tolerate anyone having more than he has. He can't stand the idea that someone, let's say a former peer, friend, sibling - can move up and away from him, and do all the things he 's too afraid to do, like buying a new car, or a new refrigerator, or even a new cell phone. He's so afraid of change, that he cannot tolerate anyone who was once in his sphere of influence going ahead and living life. It infuriates him, especially when the person no longer has need of him.

Theory #3: Narcissism. The person cannot fathom a world that doesn't revolve around him, so he looks for ways to draw others into his rings of hell.

Theory #4: Justification of past deeds. He needs to find a reason to hate others, in particular those who might have been in his circle at some point, because he consistently fails in his relationships. It can't be his fault - it has to be everyone else's fault.

I'd like to feel sorry for such people, but they make it so hard. I guess I'll just have to continue to live my life exactly the way I want, and enjoy my relationships with friends and family, and thrive in the knowledge that I can move on, and leave the past behind.

Time doesn't fly, it JETS!

I cannot believe how long it's been since my last post. Been busy, for sure. Been doing lots of things - bought a house (with a friend) in Pennsylvania, remodeled my kitchen, the usual nonsense. My job has been hectic, but rewarding in it's own way. Had to take some time off to recover from minor surgeries...
If you're a woman having bladder control issues, think about the TVT procedure. Not pleasant for the first week, but I'm a reasonable happy camper now that I can last a good 4-5 hours without having to run to the potty, and not peeing my pants at least once a week. The worst pain was the 2-3 days post surgery. If you're a very flexible person, no problem, but if you're not accustomed to wrapping your ankles behind your neck, you might have a bit of a problem. At least that's what it felt like had happened... Couldn't walk normally for about 4 days following the procedure.

Mental rummaging

Wow this year is going fast! A couple of pairs of socks completed, a really nice scarf and hat combo, and of course now it's too warm to wear them, and picked up my self-designed sweater project again. Knitting is my therapy!
More rummaging:
Only 298 more days of W left to go, God help us. Looks like no matter who gets the nominations for Democratic and Republican, we are, as always, SCREWED! I love this country, and the fact that we thrive (more or less) despite the executive branch, rather than because of it.
John Adams (on HBO): love it, totally hooked.
Life goes on and on and on.....

8th anniversary in heaven

This is for my Mom. After eight years, I still miss her. For some reason this year is harder, and I'm not sure why. I still get the urge to pick up the phone and call her over this or that minor thing, just to chat. We grew close in the two years following her diagnosis of lung cancer, and I remember so vividly the day we sat in the kitchen, just talking about the family. She said she was happy we all were doing well - my two older brothers and I - and I expanded on that by saying how we had all achieved success in life - personally, in business, in our relationships - and that it was no accident. She looked puzzled. "Mom, it's because of you we turned out the way we did. It was your influence. Daddy had only a little to do with it." Judging by the look on her face, that thought had never occurred to her. It made her happy, it seemed to fill her up. She never considered or understood the impact she had on our lives. She only thought of herself as ancillary to her husband, as though her input never mattered. She seemed to see herself as only a shadow, not anything of substance. It broke my heart.

Oh but was she was a force to be reckoned with! And she was my MOM. And thanks to her, I am who I am today, and I am so happy that I made her proud. And I was so very proud of her, that 4'9" fireball of a woman, who should have lived longer but for the neglect and ineptitude of her doctors. A breast cancer survivor of more than 25 years, she was taken by lung cancer - she never smoked, not ever - which should have been found years before it took her life.
I rage at the doctor responsible for her death, at the system which looks at elderly women and gives them short shrift, at the incredibly senseless stupidity of it all. She was my mother, she was a person, she was a vital force who touched so many lives and made them better. The loss of her life made the world a lesser place.

I miss you, Mommy. I know you're in a place where time takes no toll, and you're not alone. The angels welcomed you, and waiting for you were your parents, and brother, and all of our beloved dogs, and all the cats and dogs you nursed to health in our backyard - in Connie's "Animal Hospital" -- every living creature sensed your love and kindness and healing nature. I only wished you could have healed yourself. Dad couldn't live without you, and you welcomed him home less than two years later.

Thank you for being who you were - Concetta Pecchio, the most beautiful woman of her day, and the most loving and wonderful mom there could be.

Moving on

Finally out of that holiday slump, and can't settle on a single project to stave off boredom.. So I'm currently knitting a hat, a sweater, just finished a pair of socks, and am already itching to start on something ELSE, like a scarf to match the hat. And never mind about that baby blanket I was crocheting. I must have a bad case of SAD - as soon as the days start getting just a wee bit longer, I start going nuts to get my hands on a set of knitting sticks. In fact, I did something I've never done - I bid on eBay for not one, but TWO sets of bamboo needles. And I won! so now I'll have 10 sets of DPNs and and another 10 of circulars. THEN, I went onto knitpicks.com and ordered a bunch of stuff made out of Harmony wood. They were so beautiful I couldn't pass them up.
Gotta go home and knit....

The Holidays are upon me

Don't know why, but I'm having a really hard time this holiday season. Got the blues beyond all reasoning, and can't figure out why. All I want to do is stay home and knit. Got too many things going on in my head; need to make like the little teapot and pour some of them out...

some thoughts on anger management

My son and I sometimes commute home together on the Staten Island Ferry. On Monday evening, somehow the subject of my breakup with his father came up, and we started talking about his feelings at the time. Mostly he was relieved when we broke the news to him that we were separating. In fact, he said his mental reaction was something in the nature of "WOOOHOOO!!" -- which I could see written all over his face. I could also see that he felt guilty feeling so happy about it. That was my silver lining on that very unpleasant day...
Anyway, talking about it brought up all sorts of heat that I didn't realize was still buried inside me, which bothered me a little. Just when you think you've moved on, out pops a renewed sense of outrage at all the betrayals, lies... not going there again.
So, later that evening, Bobby and I went to karate together for maybe the 3rd time since we joined a few weeks ago. Ya know, it's really true - physical outlets really work! I kicked the absolute crap out of that cheating lying bastard! I envisioned his face on the kick pad and POW! Damn that felt good!