Ten years hence

 Wow, 10 years since my last post. My favorite pet ever, Finn, whose face adorns my profile, died of cancer at age 14 in 2024. My heart is still broken. We now have Ricky in addition to Lucy, who grieved the loss of Finn almost as much as I did. Ricky is a puppy still, now 19 months old and still a holy terror at times. It’s been so hard to warm up to him, but he is a loveable little guy, just so darn reactive to every noise.

BUT, I now have a grandson named Tyler, born January 21st this year. He’s beautiful….

Gotta go… dentist awaits

Years go by

Years go by in the blink of an eye. I sit here reflecting on some of the events in my life and wonder what the hell was I thinking back then? Yes, I adopted a dog in winter, then put another beloved dog "to asleep" less than 2 years later. Adopted another dog, a funny, loving, attention-grabbing little girl to comfort the surviving dog, and family.... And then my brother, my poor sweet brother, diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2012, and dead 10 months to the day after that horrible discovery. My brother, my protector, my friend. There is no fairness in his death. No justice. I realized that there is no God. We were fed a load of crap and nonsense. We were scammed. There is no God. No all powerful, all knowing no almighty God. We pray to "him" for comfort and favors and blessings, and oh please dear god save my brother who is so devoted to you and is so worthy, not for me but for him, and his wife and children, and the grandchildren he NEVER got to meet. You fucking bastard. You fraud. You piece of shit. You are nothing. I shake my fist to ... What? Nothing. There is no God.

don't adopt a pup in the winter!

Ok - i started writing this post last year in February. I had just adopted our new little guy, Finnian.

That's him on the right, not long after we brought him home from Massachusetts. He was quite a handful, and Callie (on the left) was NOT pleased that he stayed over. and over. and over.

What a learning experience that was, but Finn is so much a part of the family now. I really love that little skamp! And Callie finally does too...

I finally did finish that dingblasted sweater, but as is usual for me, I won't wear it. The armholes are a disaster, and the sleeves just didn't go in right, after no less than 10 frogs. So I stitched it all up again, blocked it, sewed on the buttons, and put it in my mom's cedar hope chest. Maybe I'll redo the arm scythes one of these days, which will involve more frogging. "Rip-it" is going to be my mantra... It's really a very nice fabric - firm yet soft enough that it feels like a cozy fitted blanket. If I'm going to fix it it will have to be within the next few weeks in order to get some wear time in for the fall. Hoping I can get some help from the Ravelry or Knit Picks community on how to fix it.

Have several other WIPs going: a Tanta shawl (from Knitpicks) for me and a hand warmer muff for my brother, who is undergoing chemo (my own design). His hands get very cold and I thought a soft thick black muff (manly looking, of course) might help in the months to come on days he's not quite up to snuff. Both projects are in black yarns.

Also working on the Shift Tote (also Knitpicks) which is my first foray into intarsia. All those balls of yarn!!

I'm itching to start something new: got a few patterns in the hopper, and I'm looking for the right yarn. I've got tons of wools in my stash, but of course those are never quite right, are they?

Maybe this one

I have a dozen (at least) WIPs going on, but I rarely let myself think about that. Maybe this project I'll finish while the weather is still cold in the '09-'10 winter season.  I'm working on the Metropole knitted coat pattern from Mason-Dixon's Knitting Outside the Lines pattern book, and maybe, just maybe, by going public with it, I'll actually be incented to work on it regularly and often enough to finish it within a few months.  I'm a slow knitter, and it doesn't help that I have two other active projects going on. One is a log-cabin blanket for my neice's baby girl, and the other is a sweater I designed that I've been working on for no less than three years. I love the yarn I picked - Cadena from Knit Picks. It's soft, drapes beautifully, and feels really nice against the skin.  This is my first major project using wool - yep, in 40 on and off years of knitting, I've only used wool or a wool-blend maybe 4 times.  Always thought wool was too itchy, and I do break out in rashes with some types of wool, which is why I've kept away from making anything with it. Plus, as a preteen way back when I first learned to knit, acrylic yarns were all I could afford from the local Woolworth on my $2 per week salary earned from walking younger kids to school. Then in high school, I taught myself to crochet, and made scads of groovy vests from the selections out of the discounted yarn bins.  No wool there! I swear some of the yarns I bought were so synthetic they squeaked when squeezed.
So here I am, in my mid 50's and I finally transitioned to wool; all those years wasted! To any of you knitters/crocheters out there who haven't tried the real deal, go to http://www.knitpicks.com/ and look at the beautiful, affordable selection of yarns they sell. You will be impressed, trust me.
So if anyone comes across this post, give me a nudge. Help get me to finish this coat!

Bear Check-In

North Eastern Poconos:

The Big Bear! He loves to walk across the lawn, back into the woods behind the house. He also loves to leave "gifts" on the lawn... of the fertilizer variety. There's also a Mama, 3 adolescents, and a cub. They walk around - back by the pool, on the hillside, behind the house - like they own the place, which is fine, except that I hope they don't decide to stop in for breakfast some morning. Love the bears! They're so beautiful to watch.

Life goes on, but not for some

Have you ever wondered why some people just can't let go? I'm referring to letting go of past relationships, people, things; in other words, moving on with life. I have a few theories, but some recent events caused me to start thinking again about why it is so important for some people to live in the past, and in fact to try to rewrite history to suit their neuroses.



One theory: Validation. Let's say a person is miserable in his current circumstances. Let's say the only thing that brings him pleasure is to try to denigrate and tear down other people, possibly because it makes him feel bigger than he is. It gives him a smug sense of superiority. He colors his surroundings with ugliness so that he appears pure and just.

Another theory: Envy. This person can't tolerate anyone having more than he has. He can't stand the idea that someone, let's say a former peer, friend, sibling - can move up and away from him, and do all the things he 's too afraid to do, like buying a new car, or a new refrigerator, or even a new cell phone. He's so afraid of change, that he cannot tolerate anyone who was once in his sphere of influence going ahead and living life. It infuriates him, especially when the person no longer has need of him.

Theory #3: Narcissism. The person cannot fathom a world that doesn't revolve around him, so he looks for ways to draw others into his rings of hell.

Theory #4: Justification of past deeds. He needs to find a reason to hate others, in particular those who might have been in his circle at some point, because he consistently fails in his relationships. It can't be his fault - it has to be everyone else's fault.

I'd like to feel sorry for such people, but they make it so hard. I guess I'll just have to continue to live my life exactly the way I want, and enjoy my relationships with friends and family, and thrive in the knowledge that I can move on, and leave the past behind.

Time doesn't fly, it JETS!

I cannot believe how long it's been since my last post. Been busy, for sure. Been doing lots of things - bought a house (with a friend) in Pennsylvania, remodeled my kitchen, the usual nonsense. My job has been hectic, but rewarding in it's own way. Had to take some time off to recover from minor surgeries...
If you're a woman having bladder control issues, think about the TVT procedure. Not pleasant for the first week, but I'm a reasonable happy camper now that I can last a good 4-5 hours without having to run to the potty, and not peeing my pants at least once a week. The worst pain was the 2-3 days post surgery. If you're a very flexible person, no problem, but if you're not accustomed to wrapping your ankles behind your neck, you might have a bit of a problem. At least that's what it felt like had happened... Couldn't walk normally for about 4 days following the procedure.

Mental rummaging

Wow this year is going fast! A couple of pairs of socks completed, a really nice scarf and hat combo, and of course now it's too warm to wear them, and picked up my self-designed sweater project again. Knitting is my therapy!
More rummaging:
Only 298 more days of W left to go, God help us. Looks like no matter who gets the nominations for Democratic and Republican, we are, as always, SCREWED! I love this country, and the fact that we thrive (more or less) despite the executive branch, rather than because of it.
John Adams (on HBO): love it, totally hooked.
Life goes on and on and on.....

8th anniversary in heaven

This is for my Mom. After eight years, I still miss her. For some reason this year is harder, and I'm not sure why. I still get the urge to pick up the phone and call her over this or that minor thing, just to chat. We grew close in the two years following her diagnosis of lung cancer, and I remember so vividly the day we sat in the kitchen, just talking about the family. She said she was happy we all were doing well - my two older brothers and I - and I expanded on that by saying how we had all achieved success in life - personally, in business, in our relationships - and that it was no accident. She looked puzzled. "Mom, it's because of you we turned out the way we did. It was your influence. Daddy had only a little to do with it." Judging by the look on her face, that thought had never occurred to her. It made her happy, it seemed to fill her up. She never considered or understood the impact she had on our lives. She only thought of herself as ancillary to her husband, as though her input never mattered. She seemed to see herself as only a shadow, not anything of substance. It broke my heart.

Oh but was she was a force to be reckoned with! And she was my MOM. And thanks to her, I am who I am today, and I am so happy that I made her proud. And I was so very proud of her, that 4'9" fireball of a woman, who should have lived longer but for the neglect and ineptitude of her doctors. A breast cancer survivor of more than 25 years, she was taken by lung cancer - she never smoked, not ever - which should have been found years before it took her life.
I rage at the doctor responsible for her death, at the system which looks at elderly women and gives them short shrift, at the incredibly senseless stupidity of it all. She was my mother, she was a person, she was a vital force who touched so many lives and made them better. The loss of her life made the world a lesser place.

I miss you, Mommy. I know you're in a place where time takes no toll, and you're not alone. The angels welcomed you, and waiting for you were your parents, and brother, and all of our beloved dogs, and all the cats and dogs you nursed to health in our backyard - in Connie's "Animal Hospital" -- every living creature sensed your love and kindness and healing nature. I only wished you could have healed yourself. Dad couldn't live without you, and you welcomed him home less than two years later.

Thank you for being who you were - Concetta Pecchio, the most beautiful woman of her day, and the most loving and wonderful mom there could be.

Moving on

Finally out of that holiday slump, and can't settle on a single project to stave off boredom.. So I'm currently knitting a hat, a sweater, just finished a pair of socks, and am already itching to start on something ELSE, like a scarf to match the hat. And never mind about that baby blanket I was crocheting. I must have a bad case of SAD - as soon as the days start getting just a wee bit longer, I start going nuts to get my hands on a set of knitting sticks. In fact, I did something I've never done - I bid on eBay for not one, but TWO sets of bamboo needles. And I won! so now I'll have 10 sets of DPNs and and another 10 of circulars. THEN, I went onto knitpicks.com and ordered a bunch of stuff made out of Harmony wood. They were so beautiful I couldn't pass them up.
Gotta go home and knit....

The Holidays are upon me

Don't know why, but I'm having a really hard time this holiday season. Got the blues beyond all reasoning, and can't figure out why. All I want to do is stay home and knit. Got too many things going on in my head; need to make like the little teapot and pour some of them out...

some thoughts on anger management

My son and I sometimes commute home together on the Staten Island Ferry. On Monday evening, somehow the subject of my breakup with his father came up, and we started talking about his feelings at the time. Mostly he was relieved when we broke the news to him that we were separating. In fact, he said his mental reaction was something in the nature of "WOOOHOOO!!" -- which I could see written all over his face. I could also see that he felt guilty feeling so happy about it. That was my silver lining on that very unpleasant day...
Anyway, talking about it brought up all sorts of heat that I didn't realize was still buried inside me, which bothered me a little. Just when you think you've moved on, out pops a renewed sense of outrage at all the betrayals, lies... not going there again.
So, later that evening, Bobby and I went to karate together for maybe the 3rd time since we joined a few weeks ago. Ya know, it's really true - physical outlets really work! I kicked the absolute crap out of that cheating lying bastard! I envisioned his face on the kick pad and POW! Damn that felt good!

Just thinking out loud...

There are days when truly, all I want is to stay home and knit. Then I remember that old saying, "Be careful what you wish for." Today, however, is one of those days. I'm one of those people who needs to be alone every now and again - really alone. No phones, no email, no neighbors, no friends, no family. I consider it to be a re-charging of my mental battery. I've been like this since I was very young - probably because my parents worked in our family-owned business and when not in school I was left at home to care for myself. In those days (the early 60's) parents worried less about pedophiles roaming neighborhoods and internet chat rooms. There was no internet, no cable tv, no satellite radio; newspapers didn't sensationalize every little misstep by philandering politicians, tv news broadcasts never made any overt reference to sexual misconduct, and forget nudity on tv -- while I prefer the frank truth, I sometimes miss the innocence.

When I started college in 1971, one of my very first classes was a literature class focusing on good versus evil. One of the required textbooks was called "Tales of Innocence and of Experience." The title itself poses an implicit question: are innocence and experience mutually exclusive? are they opposites? Can you have experience and yet still have innocence?

Back to wishing I were home, just me and the dog. I've got too much going on, it seems, and I need to step back. My life is so cluttered, I just want some time to empty my brain a bit and clean up/purge/organize. And yet, with that thought, I think about how much I have -- and how little so many others have. I saw a tv report yesterday on the 2nd anniversary of Katrina's destruction. So many people in New Orleans and small towns in Mississippi have nothing still, after two years! No homes, no possessions other than the barest necessities. So I become ashamed of my embarrassment of riches. How lucky I am.

And now it is time to get back to work. Thank you, Lord, for all you've enabled me to achieve.

still learning

Blogs are hard!

Life Has Begun

My son started his first "real" job on Monday, July 30. He's working for an ad-marketing company called Mongoose Atlantic; it's exactly what he wanted, exactly what he seems good at, and it's scaring the snot out of him. Finally, he's a grown up. Once he gets a few successes under his belt he'll be fine, but he has so much to learn and he's afraid he won't get it all. He's always had a fear of change: every first day of school brought another cycle of fear, misbehaviour, general brattiness... and here we are again, another age, another venue, same reaction.

so I finally did it

Been wanting to set up a blog of my own for a while, but never knew how.... still don't, to be perfectly honest. But my intention is to share stories, adventures, whatever. I love to make things - I get the itch to create and must have yarn nearby at all times. The thing is, I'm not that good at it... can't work without a pattern, and I've been at this for over 40 years. I guess that kind of sums me up: I can't work without a pattern.